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[Big Kahuna]

Bondsman Kerry Edwards Sells Website For $900 Billion
by Josh Righter

When Kerry Edwards, a modest bail bondsman from Indiana, created his website www.kerryedwards.com in 2002, he envisioned it as a place to store pictures and memories of his baby son, who shares his name.

But now, with the advent of the Kerry-Edwards Presidential ticket, the site has become a hot commodity, with hundreds of offers being made for the domain name since last week, when Edwards formally joined Kerry's campaign. Edwards (the bondsman, that is) held out, though, and today he walked away from the site with a cool $900 billion in his pocket.

"I was offered $150,000 early on, but I knew I could hold out for more," he said confidently in an interview atop a chair made out of four precious metals, three of which are not from Earth. "Now, I'm glad I did."

Edwards says his knowledge that "people are idiots" fueled his tenacity to hold on to the site for as long as he did.

"When I was first told of the immense value of the site, I couldn't believe it," he said. "But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense -- there are plenty of people out there who are stupid enough to think that the value of one website for them could exceed $100,000. Once I figured that out, it was easy to hold out for the eventual $900 billion."

The site was purchased on credit by a 14 year-old boy from Montana, who was able to provide $1,000 of the money up front by selling off several of his possessions. He will be paying the rest of the bill off for the rest of his life, and then through the lives of his progeny, but he claims it's "totally worth it" for the content he eventually plans to feature on the site: fake pictures of John Edwards and John Kerry engaged in homoerotic acts.

"As soon as I saw some pictures where Kerry and Edwards vaguely looked like they were going to hug each other, I got the idea to make that -- and more -- actually happen in Photoshop," he explained excitedly. "It was a brilliant idea, and I couldn't just let the opportunity pass me by."

When asked if $900 billion is too expensive a price to pay for a few fleeting months of Internet fame, the boy stared blankly for a few moments.

"But it's John Edwards and John Kerry...acting gay!" he said.

The second highest bidders for www.kerryedwards.com were several members of the Republican party, who coincidentally wanted to use the domain for the same purpose as the 14 year-old.

"We figured if we could make some people think Kerry and Edwards were gay, it would help us in the election," said one Republican, who wished to remain anonymous, with a shrug. "There's a lot of people in this country who hate gay people, so we figured it was worth a shot. I'm just glad this kid is doing the same thing without us having to pay any money."

"Kids supporting the Republican party," he added with a sense of wonder. "Who would've ever thought?"

The Kerry-Edwards team, meanwhile, claim they never expressed much of an interest in the site.

"We're still testing out the waters of our relationship," explained Kerry in an interview, casting a sly glance at a blushing Edwards, who was by his side. "I mean, like, we don't want to rush anything here, because I think we both think this could really be something...you know, special."

"Ohmygod," Edwards squealed, kicking his feet excitedly. He then ran off to write in his LiveJournal.

But for Kerry Edwards, the purpose of www.kerryedwards.com is no longer important; he has his money, and he can support himself and his family in much better ways with that than through the website.

"I'm not the first person to profit off of the stupidity of the majority of the human race," he said modestly. "I'm just one in a long line of them."
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