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[Big Kahuna]

Secret Letters From John Kerry to Ted Kennedy
Posted July 12, 2004

"Ted, did you get my letters?"

Dear Insight:

I have been given a manuscript that may be of interest to your readers. It consists of what appears to be a series of letters written on the campaign trail by John Kerry to Sen. Ted Kennedy. I include two of them in this e-mail for your consideration.

The authenticity of the letters is suggested by, among other things, echoes of the idioms and intonations of Kerry, as for example, in the proliferation of the pronoun "I."

The manuscript in my possession includes several other letters such as the one here provided. My anonymous source, who I can only imagine is quite close either to Kerry or Kennedy, or both, has given me reason to think that more are on the way. Should you be interested in publishing them, I would be pleased to send you what I have, and others as they arrive.

Roger Banks
Fairfax, Va.

********

Dear Ted,

Mystified is the only word I know to describe my condition after weeks of trying to reach you, leaving countless messages, and getting not a single call back. Now Mary Beth tells me you're "ticked off" about my decision to change your plan on the Reagan memorials. I understand you may need some time to cool off, so I am writing this letter of explanation. I know I agreed to put my campaign on hold during the week following Reagan's death -- and, in your words, to "clam up" and "lie low" -- until after it was all over. And let me just say at the outset, Ted, that I actually agreed with your plan, before I decided against it.

No one, not even I, had anticipated how hard that week would be. But when I turned on C-SPAN and saw the thousands of mourners waiting in line to view the casket in Simi Valley, with genuine grief etched on their brows, I knew we had underestimated the impact of these events.

For I, in each face, saw the face of America, grieving the sudden absence of John Kerry from public view. "That's wrong!" said I. "And I am going change it."

For America deserves a president who understands what most people can't figure out for themselves. And I understood that America's true need was not the nostalgic viewing of a deceased president lying in state.

What America really needed to view was, well, me. The living, breathing, forward-looking president of the future, John F. K.

So, I set out to set things right. And on the ride to Simi Valley, I confirmed the validity of my insight. On the TV in back of the limo, I monitored the sweltering masses, waiting in that interminable line, as my sleek motorcade arrived on the scene. I looked up from the screen and there it was, right outside the car -- the hungry, thirsty, disillusioned throng.

By that time, they, like the rest of the nation, had already endured two full days with no fresh image of John Kerry, no stump speeches, not so much as a quote in the newspaper. Selflessly, living out my highest ideals of public service, I lifted my finger, and with it pushed the button to roll down my tinted window, thereby affording the commoners a close-up view of their beloved candidate.

And I, with magnanimous waves and smiles, glided effortlessly past the masses who had trudged that line for hours on end. If only you had seen how their faces changed, in the twinkling of an eye, from the dejected looks to expressions of great astonishment and wonder.

"Is that Kerry?" I heard someone exclaim. "Well of all the -- I can't believe it!"

I saw their excitement at finding themselves only feet away from my famous countenance, triumphantly beaming down upon them, breaking through their dark clouds of despair. Vivid hues of red were now suffusing scores of pale complexions; and many raised fists were beating the air in salutation. Unmistakable signs of exhilaration which I, deus ex machina, had bestowed on ordinary people.

Imagine the feelings engendered all across America by my cameo before the flag-draped casket, crossing myself, and moving my lips suggestively, as if in prayer. Surely I touched many hearts, and, I dare say, changed a vote or two!

The day was so moving that it inspired the following poem, which I don't mind sharing with you, Ted, in confidence:

'Twas down in Simi
That I let the people see me;
To them, bereft and nervous,
Came I, in public service;
I, having first ascended,
I, down there, their sadness ended.
'Twas past their ken,
To see me waving when
They had least expected:
I, their JFK new resurrected.

Something else Mary Beth said, I just remembered. She heard "an earful" from you about my being "lost in artistic details," and "preoccupied with form, not substance," especially when we have yet to come up with a theme for this campaign, and the convention only weeks away.

Not to worry! I haven't forgotten your advice that I should come up with a reason of some sort for my running for president. In fact, during the Reagan week, I and my staff did some brainstorming with the latest polls. In my next letter, assuming I still haven't heard from you, I will provide an overview of our analysis.

Your affectionate Junior Senator,

J.F. Kerry

********

Dear Ted,

When last we spoke, you reiterated your concern that the campaign lacked a theme, a -- pardon my French -- raison d'etre.

I confess I am unclear about what you meant, though I've been rehearsing your words over and over in my mind: "Big picture. Tell us the er, ah, reason. Use clear, simple terms. Then clam up with all that nuance on every side of every issue, dammit."

Maybe it's the missing shades of gray, but I can't make heads or tails of it. Since you're still refusing my calls, I asked Mary Beth for her interpretation. "Just say it plainly," she said. "No wavering, no turning back."

Bob and I spent a couple of days ruminating on the thing, looking at it from various angles. He then proposed the following objective: "A simple slogan, not verbose, no hyperbole." I personally doubted whether such an approach was feasible, let alone desirable.

I reminded him that "America deserves a president who understands subtleties. After three years of black and white, I intend to restore confusion and ambiguity to the White House."

We decided to put our divergent strategies before the staff for a vote. And let me just say, I actually voted for your idea, Ted, before I voted against it. I, however, was in the minority.

So, we set to work on your pet project. To figure out what President John Kerry might stand for, everyone was told to imagine we were already in the first 100 days of my administration.

After a few minutes with no ideas, I said, "Let us pretend we're in the Oval Office, and you all are briefing me." The staff, at first, was reluctant to play along. As president, therefore, I ordered Bob to arrange their chairs in an oblong fashion around my desk.

"Okay," I said, "prepare me for my first press conference."

An awkward silence.

"Alright, then," I said. "What say I open with a reminder about my service in Vietnam?"

"Yes," said Tad, demonstrating again his genius as political adviser.

"The same strategy that got us into the White House," Bob added, "will keep us here."

Already our little drama was beginning to take on a life of its own. At one point it evolved into a play within a play. The imaginary Oval Office became a mock press conference, with my staff playing the roles of reporters. "Mr. President," said Mary Beth, impersonating Helen, "can you tell us now who were those foreign leaders who met you in a restaurant in New York City? The ones you said spoke disparagingly of the Bush administration?"

"That's none of your business. I am not at liberty to disclose their identities. Uh, let's see, Jim?"

"Well, why not?" interrupted Helen. "Why aren't you at liberty?"

"As I said during the campaign, naming those leaders could get them in trouble with Bush, and I ... "

A sudden realization knocked me off stride. The rationale we'd been using for not naming foreign leaders would no longer hold water if Bush were out of office. But in a flash I hopped right back in the saddle.

"Say, have I mentioned my small boat mission in Vietnam? Lemme tell ya, those small boats are great for fuel economy. And just as I fought for America in Vietnam, I ... "

"Mr. President." Now Tad was interrupting. "Will you answer her question, sir? Who were the foreign leaders?"

The tone of this "reporter," it seemed to me, was rather too churlish for the dignity of my office. But I, presidentially, overlooked the impertinence and, instead of firing the knave, I delivered the following deft response.

"I am afraid the press, badly misled by the Bush administration, has misconstrued the term 'foreign leaders.' You wrongly assumed the term referred to leaders of foreign countries. As I used the term, however, it meant leaders in this country who exert influence over people abroad. In fact, the foreign leader I had in mind was Senator Ted Kennedy."

I reminded them how you were the one who denounced Iraq as "George Bush's Vietnam"; and, within hours, that cleric in Fallujah, that legitimate voice -- er, I mean, that voice -- echoed the phrase. And how you repeatedly cited the scandal in Abu Ghraib as proof the war was wrong from the start, that Bush was to blame, that U.S. soldiers would pay the price; and lo, those same remarks were soon repeated by America-haters around the globe, including those who were beheading our citizens.

"Finally," I concluded, "Ted and I have dined together in many fine restaurants, in many cities, including New York."

My staff leapt out of their chairs to applaud. "Bravo!" "Encore!" "It's so Clintonesque!"

Mary Beth, however, insisted that I must not identify you as a "foreign leader" without your prior approval. I trust you will be honored to accept the appellation?

With the foreign leader issue now resolved, I feel I can now devote myself to this "theme" idea of yours. In my next letter, I will send a full report.

Your affectionate Junior Senator,

John F. K.
http://www.insightmag.com/news/2004/07/06/Features/Satiresecret.Letters.From.John.Kerry.To.Ted.Kennedy-692473.shtml
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