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[scotty61]

DOG COMMANDMENTS
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing!)

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox.

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me.

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Thou shalt refrain from becoming overly affectionate with my mother-in-law's leg.
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John Kerry. A Neville Chamberlain for our times.

[scotty61]

A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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John Kerry. A Neville Chamberlain for our times.