SwiftVets.com

[Doc Farmer]

Why I Want to Lose Weight
Written by Doc Farmer
Wednesday, January 26, 2005


As most of my readers know, I’ve had an ongoing (and losing) battle of the bulge. I had shed quite a lot of weight when I lost that job in Qatar, but sadly it has found its way back. Worse still, it brought friends. Since this is the season for resolutions, I’ve resolved to lose that weight and keep it off. I started at New Years (naturally) and I’ve lost about 5 pounds so far, which isn’t bad.

They say, however, that the key to successful weight loss is motivation. So, to help me in my quest, I decided to come up with a list of the reasons I want to shed these unwanted pounds. Not all that palaver about "health" or "fitness" or stuff like that. No, I wanted to list the real reasons.

• I don’t like having women come up to me in the grocery store, rub my belly, and ask me when I’m due. Worse yet, when they ask if it’s twins. It does diminish my male ego.
  
  
• I get tired of rogue gangs of Eskimos trying to club me. Having those Greenpeace geeks spray painting me day-glow orange is a bit tedious as well.
  
  
• Come to think of it, I have to wonder why the Cousteau family keeps showing up at my doorstep. Especially considering that I live nowhere near the ocean.
  
  
• I never get to be the egg man. Koo-Koo-Ka-Choo...
  
  
• It’s quite bothersome to not be able to fasten the seatbelt except by touch.
  
  
• Worse yet, driving home takes two trips
  
  
• I don’t appreciate being accused of causing a tsunami every time I dive into the ocean.
  
  
• I can’t afford the surgical procedure to lose weight - liposuction. Furthermore, I don’t think I trust that doctor who told me he could do it for $50 using a butcher knife and a Shop-Vac, either.
  
  
• It’s not fun to be on a first name basis with every fast food delivery service in town. On every deliveryman’s Christmas card list as well.
  
  
• In addition, although I cannot prove it, I’m almost certain that Domino’s has ME on their speed dial list.
  
  
• It gets embarrassing to end up out of breath while walking up a flight of stairs.
  
  
• For that matter, it gets embarrassing to end up out of breath while watching TV.
  
  
• Despite the added income, it’s not helping my self-esteem to get advertising revenues from Goodyear.
  
  
• As a man, I don’t like to have to shop for shirts that can handle a C-cup.
  
  
• I get sick of retaining more water in my ankles than Lake Huron.
  
  
• I think the nurse at my doctor’s office no longer believes the excuse that my clothing actually weighs 75 pounds.
  
  
• I’d like to be able to cross my legs again.
  
  
• Come to think of it, I’d like to be able to see my legs again.
  
  
• It is quite disconcerting to continually fart just because I bend over to pick something up.
  
  
• It’d also be nice to actually be able to reach the thing I’m trying to pick up when I bend over.
  
  
• It is more than a little embarrassing to include on my resume my recurring role in the hit TV series "Friends" as their neighbor, "Ugly Naked Guy."
  
  
• Although the money I get as an understudy to Jabba the Hutt comes in quite handy -- damn near lost out to Teddy Kennedy, this film -- the teasing I get from the co-workers at my regular job ain't worth it.
  
  
• It becomes difficult to type when my fingers are so fat that I keep hitting three keys at once.
  
  
• I don’t want the neighbor children to keep using my chins for their counting games.
  
  
• It gets tiresome to have tailors suggest that, in order to de-emphasize the size of my rump, I try to wear Montana.
  
  
• Oh, and by the way, the next person who makes a particular clothing suggestion to me had damn well better be a cow with a stammer. Muu-Muu indeed.
  
  
• If I hear one more elevator alarm go off when I’m the only one in the car, I’ll scream!
  
  
• It’s no fun getting bulk discount coupons from local grocery stores and bakeries.
  
  
• I’m tired of being banned from "all you can eat" buffet restaurants. Not just the local ones, but national chains too.
  
  
• I know I’ve got ribs somewhere; I’d just like proof that does not require an x-ray machine.
  
  
• I don’t like the creaking sound I hear when I sit down - on the toilet.
  
  
• I’m tired of having the US Geological Survey calling me at 03:00 to confirm the epicenter of the temblor they just measured, merely because I rolled over in bed.
  
  
• I want, just once, to be able to go to a public swimming pool in a pair of Speedos without having children scream, women faint, and some guy with a peg leg, an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder yelling "Arr, Cap’n, thar be th’ White Whaaaale. . . " The harpoons aren’t very welcome either.

Epilogue: After writing this article, Doc Farmer was involved in a minor accident. Unfortunately, he injured his jaw, requiring it be wired shut for at least two months. While already on a diet, his early progress was slow. Looks like that might change . . .


About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at docfarmer9999@yahoo.co.uk.

This Article Was First Published In ChronWatch At: http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=12617
_________________

Fat, Bald and Ugly - And PROUD Of It!

[blue9t3]

You'll know your fat when you go snorkeling and the sea level raises 6 inches.
_________________
MOPAR-BUYER

[Doc Farmer]

[Rurik]

[GenrXr]

Great humor Doc!
_________________
"An activist is the person who cleans up the water, not the one claiming its dirty."
"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to stand by and do nothing." Edmund Burke (1729-1797), Founder of Conservative Philosophy

[HOV1]

I'm with ya Doc... I hate it when the kids at the beach keep pouring water on me and crying while they're waiting for the Sea World rescue team.
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USN 78-84 STS1(SS) USS George C. Marshall SSBN 654(G)



HOV1

[GenrXr]

[Doc Farmer]