SwiftVets.com

[Knighthawk]

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect...

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and
slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out
from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a
squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it
encountered the car.

I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid
it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on
a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear.

Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on
his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his
little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he
screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe,"Die you
gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of
spectacular...as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted
me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he
brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing
and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed
only in a light t-shirt,summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a
cause for concern.

This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a
huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather
gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in
the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses,I finally managed
to snag his tail.

With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike,
almost running into the right curb I recoiled from the throw. That should
have done it.

The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The
squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone
on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been
the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off
squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,with
the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather
anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take
my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him.

I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw,
only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking
back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one
result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very,
very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed
in...well ...I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden
acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and
try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his
own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree,
house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the
throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded.

I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the
massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that
I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he
is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my
neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed
partway, he began hissing in my face.

I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity.It had little effect on the
squirrel, however.

The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting
at the moment) so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on
a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn
t-shirt,wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still
on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly
closed full-face helmet.

By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the
upper hand ...

I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung
him to the left as hard as I could.

This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on
a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed
in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one
leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody
murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade
directly into your police car.

I heard screams They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle
under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground.

I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke
at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up
(and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really.

Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the
slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the
doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open.

The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into
somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.

The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and
was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing.The other?

Well,I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery
from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back
window, shaking his little fist at me, shooting me the finger .. That is
one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car.

A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn
off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood.

I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some
Band-Aids
_________________
Regards,
Brian

Beware of the lollipop of mediocrity! Lick it once and you'll suck forever.

If guns kill people, then I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.

Knighthawk's Pictures!

[Kimmymac]

LMRO!! Knighthawk, could I pass that on to some motorcycle enthusiast friends? They would love it.

And to draw a current political parallel, I would say that the motorcycle is the DNC and OIM, Kerry is the rider of the cycle, and Bush is that cute little squirrel.

Knighthawk, if a squad car pulls up in your driveway with no one appearing at the wheel, and there follows a small knock on your door-- do NOT answer that knock.

[azpatriot]

Holy Cow My wife and I are still in stitches, tears rolling down our eye's!
We are both avid HD fanatics and have been chased by dogs, cats and birds but never ever a EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Thank you so much for the morning ROFLMAO!
_________________
Proud to be an American! and member of the PAJAMAHADEEN
FedEx Kinko's: When it absolutely, positively has to be forged overnight

[Scott]

Thank you so much, Knighthawk. That's the funniest story I've read or heard in years!
_________________
Bye bye, Boston Straggler!

[Detective]

this is a repost I believe...but doesnt matter......it can be reposted 20 times and it still goes down in history as one of the most funny stories I have ever in my life read.I have emailed this funny to all those on my weekly/monthly newsletter(usually a quite somber email newsletter as I deal with global trends of international/islamic terrorism) and I have recieved over fifty feedbacks from my list who all agree......THIS IS DAMN GREAT EXCELLENT STORY TELLING and may be this years recipient of the coveted "2004 'Detective John's correspondence school of story telling Award"...hahahahahaha......whoever wrote this has TALENT folks, Real talent.The kinda talent that we need see more of.This is the kinda talent I was subjected to as a young kid by several salty uncles and relatives on my Dads and Moms side while sitting on thier knees.(yup,many of them were Navy Chiefs and this is the kind of stuff that gets told in 'Goat Lockers' around the world.

I must admit to being somewhat biased with my love for the Navy..Dad a WWII Corpsman,oldest Bro a Navy Seal in Vietnam,multiple tours( Foxtrot Platoon, SEAL Team One (28 Mar 1970 - 28 Sept 1970) link > http://www.mst2-vietnam.info/MST_SEALS.htm great website BTW),although I have a brother and sister in law who served in Airforce Special Operations(my brother was a PJ then later a Combat Forward air Controller,Special Tactics Team and then later a drill (Tech Instructor) instructor etc etc.Another bro who was a gunny In the Marines(1st force recon,Scout Sniper and STAS/FAST teams,3rd ANGLICO,etc etc),9-11-01 happenend so he went on 9-12-01 back to the to the Marine recruiter to re enlist, he had been out for only one year...the Staff Sgt Recruiter said "YES! we need you Gunny!!!....I mean 'CORPORAL',sign here...." my Brother was livid with 13 years under his belt as a die hard Marine but he wanted his rank and platoon back(any Platoon,didnt matter to him as a Marine is a Marine and he knew where ever he went,he would be killing terrorists.....so what did he do? this is gonna make some Marines yack, but he Joined up with the Army 20th Special forces,kept his rank,went through selection easily and the 'Q Course etc etc and now wears the Green Beret.He Just got back from Afghanistan safe and sound serving in both task force 121 and in the Afghan President Karzai protection detail(I have great pics he took and will be linking you all to them as I get them scanned).I cant believe the Marines did this to him.........grrrrrr.My brother even won several Silver Medals for shooting in the Military Olympics for the Marines in shooting.....

yes, we as kids (girls and boys) had our first guns issued to us as kids by Dad and Uncles at around eight years oldwith tons of training.My dad never locked his guns up,just hid them from possible burglers and told us where they were in case of emergency when he wasnt at home and at work and our job as young men was being the "Man of the house,serving and protect the Queen(my Mom).When we grew up....the thought of bringing a weapon to a fight or argument was never a thought,I never heard of such a thing as a kid bringing a gun to school or shooting a fellow student/friend/adversary.We fought with our fists because we were trained by all the uncles and my dad about weapons respect and knew what damage a firearm could do.The kids of today dont have that..violent video games and political correctness against guns have made firearms a weird,almost surreal strange taboo,something evil instead of what they really are,TOOLS. Tools that are to be used carefully,with great care and RESPECT.....how things can change in a few years!!??!!??(I'm in my mid forties).

okay....I see I'm ranting and wayyyy off topic.Anyways, this story Rocks.Best of the year,IMO.
Salute!
that is all......
_________________
U.S. CODE, Hostile Nations Act TITLE 50 CHAPTER 40 Sec. 2301. Cuba, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Sudan, Syria.(All of them support Terrorism)
All the above Officially come out in support of John Kerry for President of the USA.

[Guest]

reminded me of this one so did a search for it

http://www.wiscbmwclub.com/Adrenalin.html

[Steve Z]

For Knighthawk's sake, I hope the squirrel didn't have rabies! He should get a rabies shot!
_________________
The traitor will crater!

[redneckvet]

Knighthawk, I am an avid "Harley" rider. I have had my experiences with dogs, hawks, snakes and deer, but that is the funniest bike story I have ever heard.
_________________
"Full Tour Grunt"

[ord33]

I'm sure am glad I found this and had the opportunity to read it!