SwiftVets.com

[shawa]

By Ben Shapiro
October 13, 2004


I believe! I used to walk in darkness, until one day a savior was born in the west wing of a military hospital in Colorado. For years he wandered the earth, seeking those in pain, healing those wounded by the injustices of the Vietnam War. He used the wealth of women to help the meek by seeking his own slot in the United States Senate. And now he’s running for president, praise be to God!

Because, you see, John Edwards convinced me, one bright, fine day, that John Kerry could heal. Heal, you hear? “When John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve are going to walk. Get up out of that wheelchair and walk again,” the Southern prophet told a group of true believers.

And so I thought to myself: here am I, a mere columnist, a staunch backer of President Bush, and he hasn’t healed anyone. Heck, he ain’t even got hisself a prophet. And I thought again: what if the boy-prophet is right? What if John Kerry actually can heal the paraplegic? Who’s to say that he of the Godly hair has not uttered ultimate truth? After all, the Great Lawyer was once able to channel the thoughts of a brain-damaged girl during one of his trials. Apparently without the aid of any psychedelic drug, the Inspired Attorney exclaimed to a jury: “She speaks to you through me. And I have to tell you right now — I didn't plan to talk about this — right now I feel her. I feel her presence. She's inside me, and she's talking to you.” And you know what? She was inside the prophet! To the tune of a $6.5 million verdict, and a large commission for the purveyor of Godly truth!

Edwards was so good at channeling babies, in fact, that he could tell exactly which ones were victims of malpractice. Despite the lack of any medical evidence suggesting that Caesarian deliveries lowered cerebral palsy, the Channeller was able to tell juries exactly which babies had been damaged as a result of vaginal delivery – because he wouldn’t take a case knowing it to be baseless. I don’t believe a man who litigated against Edwards, who told the New York Times: “He paints himself as a person who was serving the interests of the downtrodden, the widows and the little children. Actually, he was after the cases with the highest verdict potential.” That blasphemer!

I believe, I tell you! Our country’s savior, John Kerry, will do more than heal paraplegics. He’ll be able to reach out his hands and turn hatred to love! Let his hands rest on the heads of Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder and they will fall at his feet in convulsions of adoration! “We need a President who has the credibility to bring our allies to our side and share the burden,” the Boston Healer says. And he’ll do it, even though France and Germany have already said they want no part of the war in Iraq.

And, praise be, John Kerry has shown me the error of my ways. He’s shown me that President Bush hates the poor: “Well, in the story of the Good Samaritan we are told of two men who pass by or cross to the other side of the street when they come upon a robbed and beaten man. They felt compassion, but there were no deeds … It is clear: For four years, George W. Bush may have talked about compassion, but he’s walked right by.” He’s shown me how President Bush is really a devil, laughing as former Rep. Carrie Meek told a crowd of Church-goers that the Democratic Savior is “fighting against liars and demons. ... He challenges the man who walks with a jaunty step.”

I could say more, but I can feel the Divine Kerry Presence beginning to flow through me, and I should wrap this up before I begin speaking in tongues. I believe that John Kerry will turn swords into plowshares. I believe he’ll turn his wife’s fortune into a trust fund for starving babies. I believe he can provide healthcare for all Americans by laying his hands upon the sick. I believe he can feed Americans with fish he catches while windsurfing. I believe he can turn a Wendy’s photo op into a ritzy European dinner. I believe he can ski if those darn Secret Service guys will just get out of his way. I believe he can actually throw a baseball from the pitcher’s mound to home plate on the fly.

I have become a Kerry Apostle. Now if only I could get that giant invisible bunny to stop following me…

http://www.townhall.com/columnists/benshapiro/bs20041013.shtml

[Dimsdale]

Even Imus was repeatedly ridiculing Edwards for his shameless and low class use of a dead man to get votes.
_________________
Everytime he had a choice, Kerry chose to side with communists rather than the United States.

[jataylor11]

What Imus dissing Edwards ? I guess Edwards failed to say Kerry will cure kids with cancer and end SIDS deaths ...

I'm guess I'll vote for Kerry if he promises to raise my brother from the dead.

Isn't this another sign of the Apocalypse? The anti-Christ performing false miracles?

(Forgive me God)

[beansoup]

Dear Senator Kerry:

I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down at Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself.

Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you.
(More, if you want them. Let us know. )

1. QUIT TELLING US THAT YOU SERVED IN NAM. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, just four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that in chow lines in Nam.

2. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We understand.

3. TALK FRENCH TO FRENCH REPORTERS , IF YOU WANT TO. It's OK, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreaux can speak French too, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, and make up our own minds.

4. BRAG ABOUT YOUR GOOD LUCK IN SNAGGIN' NOT ONE, BUT TWO RICH WIVES. Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the Bayou Blue boat landing. Smilin' Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Ti Boy and Dickweed, who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials, but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle at how we could be fishin' all day without a worry about where the money is coming from, just like you. You don't have to cook all of that ketchup, do you? Come on, tell the world how lucky you are. We here in South Louisiana respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune, even if he's a politician.

5. GO TO THE WRASSLIN' MATCHES AND HUSTLE VOTES. We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. Man, you got some good moves, yeah! It looks like you already know how to take a fall. All of us here
(except GooGoo Gondron and Tib Thibodeaux) are great fans of wrasslin'. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Choupique Chastant is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. Don't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your many living rooms. Weren't none of us that recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. TELL US SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE FOR. We already know what you're against.

7. QUIT BOWING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE U. N. AND PROMISING TO GO THERE FIRST THING, IF YOU ARE ELECTED PRESIDENT. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you are. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, like BILLIONS OF DOLLARS that was skimmed off that just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8. QUIT FLIP-FLOPPING. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax increase on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence in you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with, especially since you've missed
89% of the roll call votes this year.

9. QUIT TELLING US HOW POOR AND UNEMPLOYED WE ARE. We got indoor toilets, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us Cajuns some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the distinct feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. GET IN TOUCH WITH THE REAL AMERICA. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in the primaries. You still seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a politician too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break after the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there. Y'all don't have to get tattooed. We promise.

Sincerely, Cooter
_________________
"John (F) Kerry = "Talk the Talk"
"George W.Bush = "Walk the Talk"

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