RogerRabbit
Master Chief Petty Officer
Joined: 05 Sep 2004
Posts: 748
Location: Oregon
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 Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 2:15 pm Post subject: John Kerry: The first 100 days |
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http://www.boston.com/news/globe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2005/04/29/john_kerry_the_first_100_days/
| Quote: | DAVID MARTIN
John Kerry: The first 100 days
By David Martin | April 29, 2005
Jan. 20 Watch TV as Bush sworn in again. Throw J. Crew socks and Godiva chocolate wrappers at set every time he says ''freedom" or ''democracy." Phone rings, but I don't answer. Call display shows it's Al Gore probably wanting to commiserate again. No way I'm joining that loser in Loserville.
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Jan. 26 Channel all energies into tracking down members of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Phone remaining loyal crew members to engage their services in search and destroy mission. Despite generous offer, none is ''reporting for duty." Regrettably, mission is terminated with extreme prejudice.
Jan. 31 Teresa issues ultimatum: Either I stop moping around the house in bathrobe all day or she'll cut off my weekly allowance. Her words hit me like a cold splash of water. Stop watching C-Span in hopes of finding ongoing election recounts. Briefly leave house to avoid Teresa's incessant swearing in Portuguese.
Feb. 2 Groundhog Day. If I see my own shadow, there'll be six more years of Republican rule. If I don't, there'll be eight. Back to bed. What's the point?
Feb. 9 Concerned about Bush's reform proposal, visit local Social Security office and inquire about filing early application for benefits. Informed that qualifying age is 67 and reminded that I am still employed by US Senate. Vow to attend at least one sitting in current session.
Feb. 15 Out of desperation, finally decide to answer Al Gore's call. Instantly regret decision. Al rambles on suggesting I grow beard, put on weight, and teach at obscure backwoods university. Finally cut him off by telling him I have Democratic filibuster to attend in Senate.
Feb. 16 Try again to phone Bill Clinton. Still won't take my calls. Even Jimmy Carter won't answer now.
Feb. 28 Teresa informs me of new policy of ''No late fees" at Blockbuster. Suggests I return cache of rental movies I've been accumulating to avoid extra expense. Discover policy has limits and am now the unwitting owner of DVDs for ''The Manchurian Candidate," ''Apocalypse Now," and ''Caddyshack II."
March 1 Hillary calls and asks where the hell I've been. Apparently we need every Democrat's vote to block passage of Republican agenda. Even Ted Kennedy showing up regularly. Promise Hillary I'll do better. Ask her why Bill never calls.
March 10 Bored silly. To pass time, make prank calls to Queen Elizabeth and ask if she's got Prince Charles in a can. When she replies curtly, ''Who is this?" I tell her she better let him out and quickly hang up. Consider calling back and asking for Harry Butz.
March 23 Phone Vatican and ask forgiveness for stance on abortion and gay marriage in last election. Try a couple of ''Bless me, Fathers" but get no response. Receptionist suggests I try again in a month.
April 1 Front page of my morning New York Times features article reporting Supreme Court reopening issue of potential voter fraud in Ohio in last election. Reporter's speculation about possible Kerry victory gets me reenergized. When I excitedly relay news to Teresa she announces ''April Fools" and informs me that she had mock front page printed off kerrysucks.com website. We both share a laugh, and I retire to my room for quiet cry.
April 15 File tax returns for Teresa and me. Reconsider opposition to Bush tax cuts when I see all the money we get back. Maybe Teresa's wrong and he's not the devil incarnate.
April 29 Consider issuing press release captioned TOLD YOU SO with back of page headed I'LL BE BACK. Teresa discovers draft version and passes through paper shredder. 2008 run for president now looks doubtful.
April 30 Al Gore stops calling. |
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"Si vis pacem, para bellum" |
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