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[Doc Farmer]

Odds and Sods
Written by Doc Farmer
Wednesday, May 04, 2005


I’m really having a hard time coming up with a single subject to natter on about this week. Well, for a whole thousand words, anyway. So, I hope you’ll excuse me if I take the news in slightly more manageable bites....


Runaway Bride

Some people get cold feet. Apparently, this woman got a cold heart and brain to match. She scared the bejesus out of her fiancée, her family, and her community. To top it off, she lied about what happened to try and cover her embarrassment. The media went ape excrement over this issue for about a week, until she finally surfaced in New Mexico. They interviewed people who flew with her, to see if she looked different. Of course she looked different, she was wearing a blanket over her head! Now officials are wondering if they should press charges. Wondering? This woman should be prosecuted. Martha Stewart did five months in Camp Cupcake without causing so much heartache. Also, the fiancée should be damned grateful that he dodged the bullet.

Attack Of The Killer Burrito

This one stretches credulity to the breaking point, folks. And shows just how sissified our society has become. A young lad in New Mexico inadvertently caused a major security lockdown of a school. His crime? He was seen walking into school with a long cylindrical object about 30 inches long and 4 inches in diameter. It was wrapped in foil and a t-shirt. Fearing the worst, officials set up snipers across the street, locked down the school and dissected the dangerous object. Was it a bomb? A sawed-off shotgun? Nope. It was a burrito. An el-GRANDE burrito, to be sure. It was for a class project. The kid never caused trouble in school before, had good grades, and wasn’t a freakazoid. The school’s saying “better safe than sorry” but I think there’s a marked difference between safety and stupidity here.

Tearin’ Down The House

Have you seen that idiotic political ad from the AARP? There’s a plumber giving a housewife advice. The sink is clogged, so they’ll have to demolish the house. As soon as he says that, a bulldozer takes down an adjoining wall. Now, if the lady was a “palestinian” terrorist and her kid had just blown up an Israeli pizza joint (and yes, kosher pizza is possible) I could see the logic. However, there is no logic in the AARP’s scare tactics. The president has put forward ideas, but nothing’s been set in stone yet. The lib/dem/soc/commies have been screaming and wailing and gnashing their teeth, but have yet to proffer a single suggestion on how to fix the socialist mess that is social “security.” Now you’ve got the AARP showing its colors as to its political leanings. Well, once I saw that ad I said “Hello!” to NextUSA (it’s headed up by Art Linkletter) and “Good Riddance!” to the AARP. If you belong to the latter organization, you might want to give them the old heave-ho. If you do, tell them that you’re old enough to not have your intelligence so thoroughly insulted by these partisan bozos.

The Lady Is A Tramp?

Did you see the First Lady at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner last week? What a HOOT! Excellent material, fantastic timing, wonderful delivery. It was received with raucous laughter and a well deserved standing ovation at the end. I didn’t see Cedric the Entertainer who followed her, but I doubt even he could have matched a class act like that. Now, however, the lib/dem/soc/commies are finding fault. Mrs. Bush wasn’t really at Chippendales, they cry, so she is now a liar. She was quite rude when she mentioned her husband “milking the horse” (and a male one at that). She doesn’t really watch “Desperate Housewives” and on and on they kvetch. Now, I’ll admit that the First Lady is no Whoopie Goldberg (thank God again!) - after all, she didn’t walk around the stage swigging from a wine bottle or compare her husband’s surname to her crotch. Lib/dem/soc/commies seem to appreciate that sort of “humor” more than us red-staters. Well, fie on them, I say. Mrs. Bush, you done good. I’d rather see you as the host of the Daily Show as well. Jon Stewart’s a p**z. You, at least, are truly a class act.


The Border and the BIC

No, I’m not talking about your pen or your lighter. I’m speaking of Fox News’ Bloviator In Chief, Bill O’Reilly, Esquire. Or, as I’m wont to refer to him, BOR(E). As you can tell, I’m not a fan. He’s a self-promoter more than a journalist, in my humble opinion. I’m still honked off with him for his interference in the case of those US citizens who were taken by their Saudi father and kept from their mother. Moreover, I do find it tedious that he spends the last few minutes of his program hawking his wares, although a portion of the price goes to charity. But even a broken clock can be right twice a day, and O’Reilly is right on the money when it comes to the border crisis and his support of the Minuteman Project. He publicized an on-line petition to the President to get our illegal alien situation under control, and I’d like to pass it along to you - http://www.reformus.org/. As of Tuesday night, there have been over 330,000 signers. If Dubya and the Beltway Bandits are going to even begin to take this seriously, there should be about a million signers by Memorial Day. Pass this along to your friends, family, and anybody on your mailing list.


Global Warming My @$*#&^!!!

April Showers Bring May Flowers, the old rhyme goes. Well, lately it’s been bringing snow showers. Monday and Tuesday nights brought FROST WARNINGS to my area. Scraping off my windshields at 05:45 in the A of M is not my idea of a springtime romp. Still, however, the Weather Channel toots the horn of destruction and buys the stream of male bovine excrement that the enviro-wackos and pseudo-scientists continually sell. Trust me, if it’s May and I’m outside freezing my tits off, warming can hardly be considered global.

And Speaking Of Al Roker

Okay, I’m now going to reveal a secret to you that nobody has dared to even breathe. Mulder and Skully know nothing of this, and I doubt they’d touch it with a ten-foot pole (or two five-foot Armenians). I know the truth about the weather. It’s all a global conspiracy of weathermen. Al Roker, Willard Scott, the BBC’s Michael Fish, Steve Doocy (the guy on Fox & Friends that looks frighteningly similar to Ryan Stiles from The Drew Carey Show) and others are all in control of a weather machine. They don’t predict the weather, folks. They make it. Then, they go on TV and lie their butts off. Why do they do this? Just to mess with us. As well as to deflect blame from themselves when their predictions go bad. I mean, think about it. These guys are pulling megabucks for being WRONG 80% of the time. Talk about a sweet deal, eh?

~~~~~oo0oo~~~~~

Well, hopefully something more interesting and engaging will happen in the next week, causing me to raise my hackles and rant on for a thousand words or so....



About the Writer: Doc Farmer is a writer and humorist who is also a moderator on ChronWatch's Forum. He formerly lived in Saudi Arabia and Qatar, but now resides in the Midwest. Doc receives e-mail at docfarmer9999@yahoo.co.uk.


This Article Was First Published In ChronWatch At: http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=14388
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