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Kerry Gets Warm Reception and Big Hugs at UN

(2004-08-29) -- John Forbes Kerry, lackluster Democrat presidential surfer, phenomenal embarrassment, and Recipient of the 2004 National Gotta Major Ass-Whoopin' Award, glowed in a warm reception from friends at the United Nations General Assembly today as he laid out his really big plan to "fight the right war, and not the wrong war over there in ah, ah...Auhrack." Observers noted long time Kerry supporter Johnnie Cochran was not in attendance due to alleged poor health.

To showcase his globalist perspective and total comprehension of even the smallest nuance, Mr. Kerry addressed the assembly in several languages including French, Yiddish, Pig Latin, Ebonics and "Spanglish."

"Ubya-day and-stayay for longa-wray," said Mr. Kerry, who has frequent delusions about being a minor influential voting member of the U.S. Senate. "Iraq was the wrong war in the wrong place with the wrong coalition of losers. Don't be duped by irrelevant facts like we creamed the 4th largest military in the world in about 72 hours without breaking a sweat, or that they have an elected government now, or that 70% of the Iraqi populace want us there. These are all herrings as red as Kennedy's nose and Siegfried's butt" pleaded the French-Horse-Looking wannabe leader.

To swelling applause from the U.N. delegates, Mr. Kerry intoned, "If you want to invade a country that has massive stockpiles of WMD, known al-Qaeda terror cells, and a bogus regime in power through fraudulent elections--then start right here in the U.S."

"With encouragement and some heavy oil, excuse me, seed money from my brother Kofi " 'Cain't Touch Dis!" Annan, I will lead a progressive international coalition to crush this rogue nation and return her back to the community of peace-loving, internationalist democracies like our role models in North Korea, Angola, and Vietnam."

Mr. Kerry's speech was designed to counter George W. Bush's address yesterday calling on the U.N. to support freedom, oppose tyranny, prevent war through strength, and reach out to help oppressed people and AIDS victims.

Kerry's rebuttal outlined his breakthrough seven-step plan for fighting terror and encouraging global freedom "starting with these here quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan."

1) Withdraw all U.S. troops by this weekend.
2) Replace them with better ones like those crack Rangers, Green Berets, SEALS, Marines and Delta Forces from France, Germany and Lithuania. "Now, THEY know what the hell they are doing,” quipped Kerry, a big war hero in his own right.
3) Win the peace.
4) Eat the cheese.
5) Cut the cheese.
6) Breathe through the mouth, then
7) Unass the AO.

"I have the support of significant American patriots and larger than life war heroes like snazzy dresser Barney Frank who is firmly behind me and is focused my ‘6,’ as they say."

Of editorial interest is whether Chez Slick Kerry will continue to go for that big ole bar of Ivory, or more probably---Camay?