SBD
Admiral
Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 1022
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 Posted: Sat Feb 24, 2007 2:08 am Post subject: AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES |
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| Quote: | AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES
Written by To The Point, Inc.
Friday, 23 February 2007
The full title of this report, prepared by the Congressional Research Office at the request of Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) is:
An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering A "Venomous Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction.
Summary of the report's findings:
1. FBI: Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is caught by the local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of [a] snake.
2. USSS (Secret Service): Forms a protective ring of agents around snake and escorts to a safe area.
3. ATF: Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their ammo, then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna. At a Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding is required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of snakes.
4. TSA: Abides by Congressional ruling to "prevent profiling" of venomous snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snake escapes while TSA officials strip-search non-venomous species.
5. IRS-CID: Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30 pm.
6. ICE: After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. Snake never responds and is promptly forgotten.
7. DEA: Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above agencies have begun an investigation on the snake. Spends $3M to discover the snake is not Colombian.
8. U.S. Attorney's Office: Declines prosecution out of "professional courtesy."
9. USBP (Border Patrol): Captures snake. Cannot communicate with snake, resulting in recruitment drive for snake handlers. Takes snake back to border (for the 4th time).
10. US Forest Service: Have meeting after meeting, management wrings their hands and decide to deny any existence of a snake on public lands and all agents ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of a snake and are trained to refer to snakes as "legal reptiles."
11. Sheriff's Office: Shoots snake after driving over it several times. Puts snake in another City Police Officer's car while parked in jail parking area. |
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