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Kerry’s Former Military Defenders Hold Press Conference [Parody]

Today 10 senior military officials held a press conference to publicize their previously released statement criticizing what they call Vice President Dick Cheney’s attacks on John Kerry (1,2). Relevant excerpts follow:

Cary Jamesville (good conservative twin of psychotic former presidential advisor): This question is directed to you all. Now how many of you have actually met Dick Cheney?

Wesley Clark: Well, I met him at a party once. Nice sort of a guy...kind of a wall flower.

Jamesville: And the rest of you?

Rest of Them (Sheepishly):Well...er...no...

Jamesville: What!?!? You mean you publicize a statement critical of the Vice President, and you’ve never even met the man? Why, you can’t do that! Don’t you know that in America you can’t criticize somebody unless you’ve actually met them! It’s in the Constitution! Just the other day I read an article in the New York Times suggesting that Hitler was a bad man! And the writer was too young to have EVER met Hitler!. This is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard! Erp...eep..gak..fnork...(exhibiting apparently genetic tendency to short circuit following fake moral outrage).

Crowe: Well, I...

Jamesville: Shut Up! I don’t want to hear any more of your lame excuses...here’s a question for ya, Crowe...isn’t it true that there are those who have concluded that one of your co-signers, Stansfield Turner, did irreparable damage as director of the CIA, and that could have contributed to their inability to pre-empt 911? (3)

Crowe: Hmmm...I guess I never heard...

Jamesville: Shut up again! I’m so tired of your weak-kneed, limp-wristed attempts at rationalization! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...you people make me SOOOO ANGRY!!! (does his best Marty the Martian impersonation). Clark, maybe I can get a straight answer from you, though I doubt it. Is it true that in a New York Times article about the resignation of CIA chief George Tenet, your co-signer Turner said "The president feels he has to have someone to blame."? And that Turner is a member of the Senior Military Advisory Group of the Kerry for President campaign? (4)

Clark: I’m unaware of any...

Jamesville: Shut your lie hole! I can see right now this is going nowhere. These quotes from one of your co-signers has rendered all of your statements UNTRUE! Now <POOF> BEGONE! I can’t take it anymore. Anybody else have a question?

Booz’n Estrigen (relatively good conservative twin of overly-caffeinated former campaign manager; reputedly subject of Conan O’Brien’s “If They Mated” segment, featuring Harvey Feirstein and Carol Channing) : Yeah (hic)...I got a crapload of em! (Drops pen, notepad and wire hanger for subsequent pro-abortion rally). Did any of you actually SERVE with Dick Cheney? (5)

All (yes, in unison): What do you mean?

Estrigen: I mean exactly what I say I mean! Just like the Constitution! Whadaya, deaf? (Burp) Were any of you even on the same boat with Cheney?

Crowe: That doesn’t even make any sense. We never claimed to have seen Cheney on a boat. We just said that we disagree with his statements about John Kerry.

Estrigen: Oh, sure! Change the story now! Don’t you know that you can’t say anything negative about somebody unless you served with them on a boat?

Turner: This has nothing to do with a boat. We...

Estrigen: Oh, can it sailorboy, we can all see right through your little game. Ok, you’re so smart, let’s say you all work for the same company with Cheney. And he has his office, and you have yours, all on the same floor, all right next to each other. But your desks aren’t in the same room as Cheney’s. You work together on projects, and pretty much see each other every day. Would you have the audacity to say that you “worked with” Cheney?

Turner: Why, yes...yes I would...it seems pretty obvious that if your office was right next to somebody’s and worked on projects together that you’d see them on a regular basis, share the elevator, use the washroom, hear their “I was so friggin drunk once...” stories at the office party...yes, I’d say you’d have to say you worked with the person.

Estrigen: AHA! Now you’ve stepped in it! Federal Code 124.34.5 section 25 subsection 8 paragraph 27 line 4 clearly states “No American shall claim that they “work with” another American unless said American is actually in the same office room as the aforementioned American, common sense notwithstanding” (6)

Turner: Mizzzzz. Estrigen, there is no way Federal law says that. You’re just pulling that out of your...er...you know...right next to your special place.

Estrigen: I don’t have one! I had it surgically removed in ‘73...caused me nothin but... (hic)... nothin but... (hic) ...(Foster Brooks sticks his head out from behind curtain and demands she stop stealing his act)... it was real inconvenient. OK, so I made that law up. It’s call litigious license. Get used to it. If we put two former lawyers in the White House, what I just said will sound like it came down from Mt. freakin’ Sinai.

Unidentified Nearly-Extinct Objective Journalist Who Appears to Have at Least a Thimble-Full of Common Sense: I don’t know...I think I’d have to go along with the old guys on this one..seems like you should be able to speak your piece about somebody without ever having been close enough to them to give them a prostate exam.

Estrigen: AAAAAAAAAggghhhhhhhh (belch)...whada you know...(pukes in wastebasket and collapses)

Jamesville: RRRRRRRRGGGGG!!! (Puts envominated wastebasket on head and emits low moans)

Presumed Kerry Press Secretary: I’m sorry gender-less miscreant and gentlemen, but we are out of time. We need to get these gentlemen to their next appearance at the Hannibal Missouri Museum of the Old and Irrelevant. Thank you for coming, and

GO SWIFTIES!


Footnotes
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1. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1190483/posts
2. http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0408/12/cf.00.html
3. http://edwardjayepstein.com/archived/whokilled.htm
4. http://www.poorandstupid.com/2004_05_30_chronArchive.asp
5. http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,128269,00.html
6. What, are you kidding? You actually expected a reference for that? This is a parody, for cryin’ out loud...SHEESH!

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[jwb7605]

dammit!

I started laughing, fell off my chair, and my dog just licked me in the ear sympathetically.

I thank you, though, for the accurate preview of Kerry's cabinet, if elected.

[jdan76]

My favorite line is "shut your lie hole"...can I use that?