SwiftVets.com

[Richard]

Dear Senator Kerry:

I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We been scratchin our heads about your campaign. It looks to us like you got yourself high-centered and can't get no traxon. So, here be 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you. (More if you want them. Let us know.)

1 We know you been to Vetnam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. That is unless you're trying to get elected there too. Geez, it was 35 years ago. And you only lasted for what was it, four months? Some of us here at the Bait Shop spent more time in those jungle shitters than that. Specially the ones who drank the water.

2 Get your stories straight. Admit you threw some medals and/or ribbons (just aren't sure whose) over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda. Just say you needed a job real bad but regular work wasn't for you and so you figured Congress was a good way out. So you and Jane made up some stuff the Democrats wanted to hear to get in good with the Kennedy's. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3 It's OK, you can parlez French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. We all like showin off. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.

4 Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? By the way, any more up there? They don't have to be pretty. Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We dream about just how big a bass boat we could make payments on, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Melvin who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.

5 Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall.

6 Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against Prez Bush. We just ain't figured out quite why yet. You don't another job do you?

7 We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep blowin them kisses. If we wuz you, we wouldn't keep promising you will go there first thing if you are elected. We kinda think stoppin by Congress first might be a good idea. But if that's what you think is best, tell us, Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mes of that Iraq oil-for-food program? Seems to us they spend around 50 percent of their time passing resolutions that we have to enforce and the other 50 percent makin speeches about how much they don't like us.

8 If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. At least not to the American reporters. Say it in French instead. Europeans are into really high taxes.

9 We got indoor plumbing now, color TV, cell phones, and computers. It looks to us like economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, just don't pass muster. Especially since the overtime pay has been kickin in. If you know a bunch of folks out of work up north, tell them to come see us. We'll send the Mexicans back home. They can't cook worth a hoot anyway unless you like flat pancakes and beans.

10 Your poll numbers did pretty good while you were up in Colorado on vacation. We don't mean to be rude, but why go traveling around the country stumblin all over yourself when you do just fine playin in the snow? That's pretty damn good work if you can find it!


Sincerely,

Cooter

(with the considerable assistance of J. Boudreau and B. Bass)
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