SwiftVets.com

[3rd gen Navy]

http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/104087.html

KERRY AGAIN TRIES TO TAKE A STAND

By: G.Marnier - SatireNewsService

In an attempt to show that he was willing to clarify his positions on issues raised during the campaign, Kerry finally agreed to take questions from reporters and held an impromptu conference at Los Angeles Airport during which he was asked repeatedly if he would run again in 2008 since he had more than $15 million in the bank left over from the campaign, and why hadn't he used some of that money for Democratic candidates across the country?

Not wanting to let the media interpret his formality as being a sign that he was feeling neglected now that he was no longer the center of attention since he lost the election, Kerry removed his jacket.

"I took almost more than half the votes in this election. Of course I'll think about running again because I never voted for the war even though I did vote for it before I voted against it because it's more about law enforcement than a strong military and the whole thing is a bloody nuisance like gambling and prostitution and George Bush should have captured Osama bin Laden even though Osama was offered to Bill Clinton three times and I knew Saddam was a threat even though Iraq posed no immanent threat and it was a colossal error of judgment even though I think he should have been captured and you don't send troops into war without body armor........"

Demonstrating an increased degree of determination to assure the reporters that he meant everything he said, Kerry resorted to physical gestures beyond the extended examples of his extended arms which he extended throughout the campaign.

"...[W]hich is why I voted against S.1689 which contained provisions to supply our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan with ammunition and body armor because the $200 billion that the war's costing should have been spent for schools, for construction and for prescription drugs for seniors even though I think that $200 billion should be increased for Iraq and I have nothing but respect for the British and Tony Blair and what they've been willing to do even though they're window dressing and Blair doesn't know any more of what he's doing in Iraq than Bush and if....er...WHEN I become President in 2008, I'll pull all of our troops out of Iraq because they'll still be there and the Brits can do what they want because I'm an internationalist and I'll never give the U.N. power over my decisions even though I think we must respect their authority to make major political and international decisions for all the countries of the world because this war is not a military operation and now Bush wants to re-institute the draft even though that idea was introduced by Democrats....."

Noticing that some of the media were packing up their gear, Kerry bent and twisted further, prompting a reporter to ask SNS: "Is he trying to get the Physical Exercise award?"

SNS countered it was more like the Pathological Egotist award.

Not missing a beat, Kerry continued: ".......and I was in Cambodia at Christmas even though my boat wasn't there, but that happens in war and I often think of Ronald Reagan and his love of country which was infectious and even though he abused the Constitution, had totalitarian inclinations and sent troops off to war, he never was in combat like I was and I didn't use my Purple Hearts to get out of Viet Nam but because I needed to come home to tell people about our troops who were raping, cutting off ears and heads, taping wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turning up the power, cutting off limbs, blowing up bodies, randomly shooting at civilians, razing villages, shooting cattle and dogs for fun, poisoning food stocks and how the families of the POW"S and MIA's were professional malcontents, conspiracy mongers, con artists and dime-store Rambos and OK, I took part in shooting in free fire zones, in search and destroy missions, conducted harassment and interdiction fire, and burned villages, too, but to attempt to justify the loss of one American life in Vietnam, Cambodia or Laos by linking such loss to the preservation of freedom is the height of criminal hypocrisy and besides, Viet Nam was where I perfected my ability to shoot the kind of pistol grip gun I use now when I'm hunting which I tried to ban in Senate Bill 1431, but I respected Reagan and I got an Honorable Discharge and so what if it wasn't granted until 2002, I still got it so nobody needs to see all my military records and sure I went to Paris to meet with the Viet Cong's representative Madame Binh - lovely lady - before I came back to the U.S. and helped set up the Viet Nam Veterans Against the War, but why not, I love Paris and I even tried to get a deferment so I could go to school there, but I served and I'm not opening any doors and I'm not shutting any doors to the outside or the inside but only to the other side and I don't care what they say, I did so meet with the entire U.N Security Council even though most of them weren't there and I'm still in favor of gun control so people don't shoot each other because my hair's better than Teresa's...er I mean Bush's and so is my orange....er, sun-tanned skin and I didn't use Botox and never even heard of it even though Teresa has used it a lot....."

At which point, Kerry pulled a hair brush from his back pocket,'did' his hair and checked himself in a small mirror on the back of the brush.

"....and you're darnn right I couldn't think when 9/11 happened but at least I didn't sit with some kids in a school for 5 minutes after I was told about it like Bush did, and then he says he didn't want to alarm those kids, Ha! and look at all the Hollywood stars who like me better than Bush and that's a perfect demonstration of working-class support, and all this talk about Hillary running in 2008 is nonsense even though we both think gays have the right to bear children...er I mean get married which is why I opposed the Federal Defense of Marriage Act and she isn't even Catholic like I am and sure I help legislate abortion rights even though I'm against the procedure and besides she doesn't have as much money as my wife or even my former wife for that matter, not that money is everything but it helps me understand the plight of the poor even better and furthermore, if I was only interested in money, why wouldn't I just be satisfied with all my houses, my $50 million dollar Gulfstream plane, my yacht, and all the other stuff I have because of my wonderful wives, instead of working hard in the United States Senate, but they're great women and I want to be remembered not only as a great American but a great husband who......"

Noting that all the reporters had left the scene but unaware that SNS had inadvertently dropped a tape recorder on the tarp, Teresa, aka wife # 2, snarled to Kerry "Get your ass on MY $50 million dollar Gulfstream," which he did and as the plane taxied away, SNS ran back to pick up the recorder, rewound it and after hearing her remark, gave a "Farewell" salute to Teresa An unnamed source in the Kerry Senate office called SNS the next morning and said that Blair had responded with the following message: "370HSSV-0773H".

Unable to decipher the message, Kerry had instructed him to e-mail it to Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, Chris Matthews, Ted Kennedy, Terry McAullife and Bill Clinton. No one could solve it so the source contacted Britain's M16 for help.

They cabled back: "You're looking at the message upside down."
_________________
Warm Regards,
Sean G. Smith,
RN, BSN, EMT-B, U.S. Navy, 1994 - 2003.
BS Biology, Business Administration, Nursing
The Deal with Life: Make decisions based on what you might gain, not on what you may lose.
!!!!!! LET THE WILD RUMPUS BEGIN !!!!!!

[Uisguex Jack]

Very nice. Thanks for the laugh.