SwiftVets.com

[wednesdaychild]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria. Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My Elbow Hurts Like H*ll. Guess I better see a Doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's
a Diagnostic Computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank You For Shopping @ Wal-Mart. '"

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, Pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:
1. Your Tap Water Is Too Hard. ~ Get A Water Softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your Dog Has Ringworm. ~ Bathe Him With Anti-Fungal Shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your Daughter Has A Cocaine Habit. Get Her Into Rehab.
4. Your Wife Is Pregnant. Twins - They Aren't Yours. Get A Lawyer.
5. If You Don't Stop Playing With Yourself, Your Elbow Will Never Get Better.
Thank You For Shopping @ Wal-Mart.

_________________
"...for the good of believing in life after birth..."
Jim Steinman

[ThaLeena]

BBAAHHHHAAAAA!!!!!

[wednesdaychild]

_________________
"...for the good of believing in life after birth..."
Jim Steinman

[Mary Ann Parker]

The Parrot

A man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer to calm the parrot down. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

All good wishes
Mary Ann

[sdonions]

Another little Johnny joke.

A second grade teacher decides to teach her class about syllables. So she asks the class to give her a three syllable word and use it in a sentence.

Little Kate and little Johnny both raise their hands and the teacher knowing Johnny decides to call on Kate.

“Go ahead Kate and give me a three syllable word” the teacher says.

Little Kate stands up and says “ Kitty. I have a kitty.”

The teacher says “That was very good but kitty only has two syllables.”

So she asks the class again if anyone could give her a three syllable word and only Johnny raises his hand. The teacher pauses hoping that someone else will raise their hand but no one else did.

Finally she calls on Johnny to give his answer.

Johnny says “Urinate”

The teacher rolls her eyes but she has to let him finish since he did have a three syllable word. She says “ that’s very good Johnny. Could you use it in a sentence?”

Johnny says “ Urinate, but if your boobs were bigger you would be a ten”

[Army_(Ret)]

When I heard about Haliburton, and later about one of their contracters charging too much for soda pop for the troops, I immediately thought about this message I read some years back. This may actually be true!



To The British Foreign Office In London
Central Spain, August 1812

Gentlemen,

Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.


We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.

Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.

This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both:

1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.

2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.

Your most obedient servant,

Wellington
_________________
Peace is acheived through victory

[USAFE5]

got to love that wit. Americans have comedy but the British have Satire


_________________
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I’m here to help." Ronald Reagan

[Mary Ann Parker]

-gentle thoughts for the day. (Did Kimmymac compose this?)

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

14 Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it
spells "THEIRS"?

15. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL

[tony54]

OK!! Now this is worth sharing

Proof That The World Is Nuts!!!!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden
for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the
world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover,
on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on
the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did the govt. pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

[Mary Ann Parker]

You forgot one.

Turtles breathe through their butt!!!
Mary Ann

[tony54]

Darn cut and paste, sometimes.

Why is Chelsea so ugly?
Cause her real dad is Janet!

[scotty61]

A blonde goes into a library and loudly says, "I'D LIKE A CHEESEBURGER PLEASE."

The librarian says, "This is a library young lady."

The blonde very very quietly says, "oh, i'd like a cheeseburger please."
_________________
John Kerry. A Neville Chamberlain for our times.

[wednesdaychild]

_________________
"...for the good of believing in life after birth..."
Jim Steinman

[tony54]

The World's 22 Thinnest Books

22. FRENCH WAR HEROES - by Jacques Chirac

21. HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY - by John Kerry

20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno

19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE - by John Denver

18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS - by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by HILLARY CLINTON

16. MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE - by Osama Bin Laden

15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD - by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by John Kerry

13. MY WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT: a Travel Guide

9. A COLLECTION of MOST BELOVED MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES - by Dr. J. Kevorkian

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen de Generes

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ........

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with
introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

[scotty61]

Another thin book, Democrats And Their Support Of The Military In The 21st Century.
_________________
John Kerry. A Neville Chamberlain for our times.