SwiftVets.com

[Knighthawk]

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

_________________
Regards,
Brian

Beware of the lollipop of mediocrity! Lick it once and you'll suck forever.

If guns kill people, then I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.

Knighthawk's Pictures!

[scotty61]

Rodney Dangerfiel passed away a while ago. This joke of his has been one of my favorites.

I remember the first time I had sex. Man, I was so scared. It was dark and I was all alone!
_________________
John Kerry. A Neville Chamberlain for our times.

[Doc Farmer]

[scotty61]

Another one.

The house caught fire the other day. The kids were running around screaming FIRE! FIRE! My wife said, Hush! you want to wake daddy?
_________________
John Kerry. A Neville Chamberlain for our times.

[Sgt-Keeper]

May those who love us, love us.
For those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
If He can't turn their hearts,
may He turn their ankles,
So that we may know them
by their limp
_________________
Fix the problem, not the blame.
USMC E5 Nam vet 65-66

[tony54]

Surrogate Father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too .you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ..!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don' t I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??," she asked.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.
Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[GIaunt]

An old ditty ...

My mother-in-law she am dead
She got choked on shorten' bread
Ever since my mother-in-laws been dead
folks all come to me, to borrow my recipe,
Cause they've all got mother in laws they say....
hum de dah da, hum de da dah, how'd it get that way...

My mother-in-law she am dead
She got caught in a folding bed
Ever since my mother-in-laws been dead
folks all come to me, to borrow that folding bed,
Cause they've all got mother in laws they say....
hum de dah da, hum de da dah, how'd it get that way...

(I have no idea of the source, the grammar is atrocious, but it would make us laugh when we were kids....)