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Dan Rather Declares Yankees World Series Champion; Blames Forged Documents, White House Deception, Stephen King

New York, NY – Sources at CBS report that legendary newsman Dan Rather, who, on the October 28 broadcast of "60 Minutes," wrongly proclaimed the New York Yankees – and not the Boston Red Sox – 2005 World Series Champion, plans to issue an official press release retracting his erroneous statement.

"Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, such as the entire country having witnessed the Red Sox defeat both the Yankees and the St. Louis Cardinals," the statement reads, "we nevertheless reported that the New York Yankees had actually won the World Series."

"We rushed our story without verifying our sources – the primary distributor of this erroneous information being being FOX broadcaster Tim McCarver – and for this lapse in judgement and professional ethics, we apologize."

However, CBS’s release will accuse the White House and several others of trying to "smear" Rather after he used forged documents in a bid to discredit the Red Sox’ miraculous eight-game run to the championship – which included an unprecedented four-game comeback against the rival Yankees – and will center mostly on Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo’s National Guard record in the early 1970's.

"Bronson Arroyo simply did not serve in the National Guard as he claims," the release reads. "First, he is 27-years-old, which means he wouldn't have even been born in the early '70's Second, he is a white man with corn-rowed hair, and white men with corn-rowed hair are not allowed to serve in our National Guard."

Speaking at a media forum in New York City, Rather insisted, "I don't have a pro-Yankee agenda. I was deliberately misled by Mr. McCarver, the Bush administration, [noted baseball statistician] Bill James, and [author] Stephen King."

When asked what Stephen King had to do with it, Rather claimed that King, through "voodoo or whatever he does," conjured up the ghoulish, undead spirits of several generations of Red Sox fans to "infect his brain with evil thoughts" during the fateful "60 Minutes" broadcast.

However, the embattled newsman denied reports that he would step down as anchor of the "CBS Evening News" anytime soon, vowing to "not to give up the fight" to clear his name, and prove that the Yankees won.

"We at CBS truly believe that Mark Bellhorn's Game Six home run did not clear the left field wall and his that girl square in the chest as shown on television. Furthermore, Alex Rodriguez did not slap the ball out of Arroyo's glove like a spoiled little debutante who is being told she can't have any more cookies. The Yankees beat the Red Sox. Otherwise, locusts and plague shall soon descend upon the human race, and the universe is on the verge of imploding into a black hole."

The only thing Rather admitted that he could not fully explain was the bizarre purple lipstick that shortstop Alex Rodriguez (right) insisted on wearing during the entirety of the ALCS.

"That," Rather said, with a visible shiver, "was weird."

[happyday]

LOL!!!!!!!
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God Bless America, and God Bless the Swiftees!

[GM Strong]

Has Blather conceded Ohio yet? .. or is he still watching that screen with a blank look?
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8th Army Korea 68-69