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Knighthawk · Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 6:21 pm Post subject: Don't Try This At Home

Dear Friends,

My wife Isabella is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Isabella. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Isabella what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Isabella to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ***! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
_________________
Regards,
Brian

Beware of the lollipop of mediocrity! Lick it once and you'll suck forever.

If guns kill people, then I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.

Knighthawk's Pictures!

Kimmymac · Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 6:33 pm Post subject:

What? No pictures? Dang!

You must have a very solid relationship with your wife to buy her a tazer.

What a, uhm, uh, unique gift idea. "Show her you would marry her all over again--give her a potentially lethal weapon. Because Tazers are Forever." Nothing says "I love you" like tazers, small arms, and RPG's, ya know?

I would have paid a lot of money to see you and the squirrel on a cycle, armed with a tazer. Either you with the tazer, or the squirrel with the tazer, doesn't matter which.

Here, lemme hold that beer for ya, buddy. <can't wait to see what he does next>

Tacan70UDN · PO2 Joined: 05 Sep 2004 Posts: 392

I've got to learn not to drink coffee when reading this forum! What a mess! Hope you're okay.

Geano · Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 6:45 pm Post subject:

Teresa! Teresa!...Are you Listening?

Teresa!.......
_________________
MSM Lead Nov 3 2004 "Kerry Oval Office Hopes killed by 10,000 Mice..."
Candidate had declared mice "only a nuisance".
States they "moved too Swiftly"....

azpatriot · Posted: Mon Sep 20, 2004 6:53 pm Post subject:

Ok thats it no eating and reading at the same time! Mr. Green

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Proud to be an American! and member of the PAJAMAHADEEN Cool

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CTW · Rear Admiral Joined: 10 Sep 2004 Posts: 691

I can't stop laughing. Thanks for this.
CTW

Never Ever Kerry

sdonions · PO3 Joined: 21 Jul 2004 Posts: 294

My sides hurt and I am crying uncontrollably.

Man....Thats gotta hurt.

One question though. You are not going to be messing with the wife now that she has the power to make you flop around like a fish are you?

JCBoston · Seaman Joined: 31 Aug 2004 Posts: 185

Oh man! Any chance you are Irish?

blackwatch · Ensign Joined: 22 Aug 2004 Posts: 74 Location: NH

I could not stop laughing reading your account of the zapper. It would have been much funnier if someone had walked up to Kerry and zapped him with it. Now that would have made me laugh even more. You certainly brightened my day. Thats like the time when I was taking the cover off a light socket before painting. The screwdriver slipped and ended up in the plug hole. I felt the tingle all the way up my arm and to my feet.

sdonions · PO3 Joined: 21 Jul 2004 Posts: 294

I think I know where your testicles ended up at.

The damn Attack Squirrel has them and is using them as speed bags. He is in training for Round 2

Bystander · PO3 Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 271 Location: MI

Will someone please come over and help me mop up the Pepsi from my screen, keyboard, and desk? This is priceless! Laughing

_________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
..................................Eleanor Roosevelt

RobD · Lt.Jg. Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 147 Location: Reno Nv

I'm sitting here at work with tears running down my face and my co-workers think I'm nuts. Thanks, that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

P.S. I had to try my dogs bark collier, not quite as "shocking" as your experience but still quite funny to my wife.
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6 Year Navy

DaveS · Ensign Joined: 19 Sep 2004 Posts: 61

I was at work reading this and was afraid everyone was gonna think I was upset cause tears were just rolling down my face. This is one of the funniest things I have read in awhile. You Sir tell a good story.

DaveS · Ensign Joined: 19 Sep 2004 Posts: 61

Hadn't seen Robs post when I wrote mine, funny how similar they are. I am still laughing.

ccr · Commander Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 325

To quote the movie Stripes, "I wanna party with you, Cowboy."
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